Standing in the "before" picture...

All preteen girls think of that moment when the modeling or talent scout looks their way and whisks them off to Paris or California because they see what they can't see in themselves- that they are beautiful.  In those young, innocent, "Glamour" trained eyes, it would take that trained professional to see what they don't believe exists. Certainly those producers could see past the baby fat, pimples, glasses, and clothes that were picked by their mama's or even worse, hand me downs chosen by their mamas for her older siblings! They can see that with a little makeup and training, that 12 or 13 year old girl could be the next bombshell, the beautiful starlet or runway model- the public would fawn at the very sight of her!  She wishes and hopes that day will come.  Someone must see what she cant see in the mirror, but hopes and prays it is there.  15 comes. 16 comes. The producer never showed up at her town. As they age, many start to see what was there all along- that pretty girl is there and always was.  More importantly, she starts to see past the mirror on the wall and looks in the mirror of her life.  Her love of the Lord, her friends, her family, her accomplishments- that mirror reflects the most awesome beauty! The real beauty.  The beauty that lasts and actually has worth- at value more precious than rubies and gold.  Took me until my 30's to see that precious reflection in my own life. And let me tell you, THAT chick in my "life mirror" is flat out stunning! ;) But the one on the wall- I still struggle with that one and the 16 year old, awkward, insecure, never chosen, "Fat Girl" I see in there. 

I have always been fat- that may sound harsh and self depreciating, but it is a fact! At first, it was "baby fat" and I would grow out of it.  Well, I never got that tall!  Then my teen years- well, that was just adolescent hormones; surely that would pass!  Then college years- well, that is a social adjustment- of course you will pack on a few! My father dies when I was 22, family responsibilities fall on shoulders that are unsuspecting and ill prepared- yup, time to belly up!  Then my first "grown up" job; well that is stressful and surely everyone knows you can gain a few more!  I woke up in my late 20's at 275 pounds. For whatever reason, I got determined and dropped around 145 pounds in a little over a year.  That was my first accomplishment I felt was mine and mine alone- it was not handed to me; I earned it. I just knew when I "got skinny" for the first time in my life, EVERYTHING would be perfect!  The man would come, the money would come, the status would come- I would be the starlet; I would be beautiful. All would fall in place because every failure, every disappointment, every loss, every tear I had always blamed on my weight. That gut had taken a lot of blame over the years!  

So, here I was; skinny for literally the first time in my life.  I shopped in the "normal people" section of the stores for the first time. I could wear jewelry without thinking if it would fit my neck or wrist. I had to move the seat up in the car for the first time.  Chairs had more room.  My clothes took up less room in suitcases and in the closet. People out and about treated me differently.  People at work treated me differently. People who had not seen me in a while didn't recognize me. I was addicted.  I was addicted to the attention and the "new life".  SO, I lost more weight.  I got sick. I was bitter and hateful to my family.  I was eating 300 calories a day, exercising like a fool and I got sicker.  And I kept doing it because the praise kept coming in from everywhere.  Then I started throwing up. I would eat any fat, up it came and not of my own free will. My hair fell out.  I spent more and more time in bed with my stomach cramped up; but in my mind, that was awesome- a day without eating! I was 5'9 and 128 pounds- I had a doctor tell me I was underweight! Underweight??? YES!!! I was on a sick cloud 9. I loathed and was repulsed by who I was before; I was relishing in being this skinny girl! Then the summer of 2001 came.  My mom got bad sick. My Boss quit his job very publicly.  My young coworker was found dead in our satellite office and for a few weeks, we lived as though someone was targeting us and may come after us next. Seriously, we lived as though we may be "murdered" until the police finished their investigation and all the autopsy reports came back (she died of natural causes, but for that period we had no idea.)  I had to give a witness report to the police after her funeral, for crying out loud. My name was in the local papers in connection to this story because I was the last person known to speak to her- which carried it's own agonizing guilt for months. I was mentioned in conspiracy blog spots across the country and probably still am to this day. I went on through special elections, new job, lost friendships, 9/11 terrorist attacks- it was just too much.  And I ate.  I ate back to 263 pounds in my mid 30's. I was disgusted with myself.  I had to throw all the skinny clothes away, go back to the "wide" section to shop, and move the car seat back again. A few years later, I would drop a ton of weight again and go through this same, sick process.  And the weight came back again. So, here I am today- fat as ever.  Except this time my sugar levels are up, my cholesterol is not ideal, my body hurts. Getting older sucks, by the way.      

Then something happened a few weeks ago.  My director is a beautiful social butterfly.  Both her mirrors reflect beauty!  She was involved in a program that was bringing "The Biggest Loser" to speak to the area to promote women's health issues for a local hospital.  Part of the program was to include a fashion show. She asked me to participate- I flat out said no.  I told her this was about health and weight loss, I would be a fool up there- the "and here is our cautionary tale" token fat girl.  She didn't take that kindly but said "FINE!"- those who know her, know that "fine" is not something you want to hear.  Ever! The next few days, something in the back of my mind kept saying- do it.  Do it as this is a bucket list thing. Do it to see what that moment feels like.  Do it for for your director.  Do it because your mama would have wanted you to and would be so proud.  Do it to make your sister know you are Ok down here alone. Do it because it would be funny stuff for Facebook. Do it for the fat girls. Do it for that scared little fat girl inside of you who grew up thinking she was so very ugly. Do it because you can. Do it because God is prompting you. Do it.  I came back from my lunch break one day and told my director I would rep for the fat girls, but she better check with Coldwater Creek to see if they had wide clothes.  And I did it.  And I loved it.  I was not a scared, fat, timid girl yesterday or a sick young woman not knowing she she is, standing in confusion.  I was a 40 year old woman who stands at this point in her life strong. Confident in her abilities and who she is. Proud of living through this life and all it has thrown at me. Blessed beyond measure. Standing on the Rock of my salvation and the Blessings of a mighty God who never left my side. He never missed a single tear that fell; He heard every ugly thing I said about the child He created yet always saw the beauty in His creation.  He kept whispering, "Child, I have a plan. The mountain top will show what I have in store for you, but we are going to get though this valley first. Trust Me, My beautiful baby girl."  So, I did what I never thought I would and took advantage of an opportunity that may prove to be another turning point in my life. I rocked it like the rock star I am. 

The "Biggest Loser" speaker, Michelle Aguilar, told us all about her story.  As you can imagine, it goes way deeper than just getting yelled at by Jillian Michaels for a reality TV show. Michelle had her demons, too. She had such hurt and pain. She hid behind a smile for years and was "fine."  Listening to her speak, I stood in the back of the auditorium and cried. I cried for the hurt, the pain, the loss, the fear, the isolation, the insecurity, the shame that is the life of a fat girl.  I thought about who I was when I was skinny.  I thought about who I am now.  Then Michelle shared something so prophetic- her one big lesson from Jillian.  Jillian told Michelle when it was all done and she won the show to not look at her before picture and hate the fat girl she sees captured there.  Don't look at her with shame or disgust.  To look at the before picture and see a woman who summoned the courage, strength and power to break through the fear do something about it. She needed to look at that girl and see that she gave the girl standing here now the gift that is this new life.

So, here I am.  Standing and living in my "before" picture.  Its time. Time to do it right.  Time to do it slow and healthy.  Time for this fat woman to start the roots to giving a new life to her older self.  And I will love this woman I am now.  I will not hate her.  I will not be disgusted by her.  I will thank her.  I will see her as God's beautiful child. I will love both my mirrors equally.  

I will be the rock star He has created me to be!