She called me fat?!?!?!?!

I am fat.  And someone said it today. Wait- scratch that; I am the princess and daughter of the One True King- I am cool!  To be more accurate, my body is fat.  IT IS!  I, of all people, should know that!!  After all, I bathe it, dress it, haul it and feed it every day.  I have been fat since I was in kindergarten. I have been skinny twice in my life, both times the end result of anorexia/bulimia.  I don't do well with moderation- of most anything.  I'm either all in or all out!

My problem is that I eat my feelings.  And the bigger problem is that feelings apparently taste GOOD! Rejection, depression, sadness, loneliness, fear, mourning, loss- they are delicious.  They are salty, sweet, savory, crunchy, smooth, tangy, warm, cool, crispy- they are yummy.  And I have had more than my fair share! Father has a debilitating stroke the night after my Nana's funeral when I'm 13- Eat. Don't have the money to "have the things the other kids have" in high school, not to mention never being asked out or have a high school boyfriend- Eat. Father tells you are aren't smart enough to go to college even though you have a 3.6 GPA- Eat. Father moves away from our family my Senior year in high school leaving us all alone- Eat. Lonely and scared to be an "adult"- Eat. Mother gets horribly sick my first year of college and I am her sole caregiver- Eat.  Father moves back to our home three months before he dies- Eat. Father dies and you have a family to care for at 22 with no life skills, experience or money- Eat.  Get your first job and you are scared to death of everything- Eat. Boss quits mid-term and you have no idea how to care for your family if you cant find another job- Eat. Get new job and have a hard time fitting in plus you lose friends you loved- Eat. Sister moves to Georgia and you miss her- Eat. Mother dies and you are lost- Eat. Move to a new place for the first time in your life- Eat. Try to get back on your feet- Eat.

Then there is the ever constant mourning that pops up.  The showers I will never have. The white dress I will never wear.  The babies I will never hold.  The precious "Mommy" that will never addressed toward me. The tiny clothes I will never buy, the boo-boo's I will never kiss, the first days of kindergarten, the birthday parties, the driving lessons, the graduations, the weddings my babies will never celebrate. And to know that those precious children I dreamed of were never even to exist. EAT.

Not that my life has been "bad" at all!  I have had WAY more than my fair share of blessings. There aren't enough words or time to list all of those.  My life is so much better in many ways than I could ever have imagined. Ever.  In fact, I didn't have the ability to even dream this big when I was a kid.  But my God sure did and I have been given so much!!!  Its just that these other tasty things pop up ALL THE TIME and pepper my life. And I eat.

So here I am at almost 41 and I was called fat today.  Again. I have some pretty amazing things happening in my career right now and someone said maybe this will "inspire" me to lose weight. Seriously???  THAT is what you take away from knowing me?  Not my humor, love, compassion, joy, perspective, or anything else. Not my family, my friends, my puppy?  Not my faith, my life experiences, my overcoming so much in this life and each step making me stronger along the way?? No- I am fat and need to drop weight. Maybe this will inspire me. WHAT??? If inspiration was the key, I would have been inspired 7 ways from Sunday every day! To be honest, I didn't think much of it at the time- in fact, I even laughed when I heard it! NOT NEWS to me!!!

Just on the way home. As I am exhausted, tired, worn out- empty and drained. It looks back at me from the rear-view mirror-I am fat. For a few brief moments, I saw that ever present ugly, scared, lonely, lost, ever- rejected fat girl. With ALL that I am (and I am some pretty awesome stuff over here!) that is what this person who made the comment saw when she looked at me. That is what she sees. How sad. Sad for her. Yes, I am fat and there's a good reason for it. And I am not ashamed of myself nor this life I have.  I am proud of my life. I am proud of me. I am proud of what I have been through and come out smiling on the other side.  My Jesus didn't call me to be pretty, thin or superficial.  He called this girl to be strong. To love life no matter the circumstances. To find HIS beauty in all things, to see HIS Hand all around me, to take these life lessons and strive to support others as they may be struggling. He called me to be many things and the wonderful thing is, He doesn't see a fat girl when He looks at me. He sees His beautiful, smart, compassionate, loving, tender-hearted, funny, insightful, baby girl.  And the awesome thing? Second time I looked in the rear-view mirror tonight, I saw her too. Yes, she may be fat but she is SOOOOO much more!!!!  And I am blessed to say I saw her smiling back.

Now, what shall I have for dinner....  ;)

Standing in the "before" picture...

All preteen girls think of that moment when the modeling or talent scout looks their way and whisks them off to Paris or California because they see what they can't see in themselves- that they are beautiful.  In those young, innocent, "Glamour" trained eyes, it would take that trained professional to see what they don't believe exists. Certainly those producers could see past the baby fat, pimples, glasses, and clothes that were picked by their mama's or even worse, hand me downs chosen by their mamas for her older siblings! They can see that with a little makeup and training, that 12 or 13 year old girl could be the next bombshell, the beautiful starlet or runway model- the public would fawn at the very sight of her!  She wishes and hopes that day will come.  Someone must see what she cant see in the mirror, but hopes and prays it is there.  15 comes. 16 comes. The producer never showed up at her town. As they age, many start to see what was there all along- that pretty girl is there and always was.  More importantly, she starts to see past the mirror on the wall and looks in the mirror of her life.  Her love of the Lord, her friends, her family, her accomplishments- that mirror reflects the most awesome beauty! The real beauty.  The beauty that lasts and actually has worth- at value more precious than rubies and gold.  Took me until my 30's to see that precious reflection in my own life. And let me tell you, THAT chick in my "life mirror" is flat out stunning! ;) But the one on the wall- I still struggle with that one and the 16 year old, awkward, insecure, never chosen, "Fat Girl" I see in there. 

I have always been fat- that may sound harsh and self depreciating, but it is a fact! At first, it was "baby fat" and I would grow out of it.  Well, I never got that tall!  Then my teen years- well, that was just adolescent hormones; surely that would pass!  Then college years- well, that is a social adjustment- of course you will pack on a few! My father dies when I was 22, family responsibilities fall on shoulders that are unsuspecting and ill prepared- yup, time to belly up!  Then my first "grown up" job; well that is stressful and surely everyone knows you can gain a few more!  I woke up in my late 20's at 275 pounds. For whatever reason, I got determined and dropped around 145 pounds in a little over a year.  That was my first accomplishment I felt was mine and mine alone- it was not handed to me; I earned it. I just knew when I "got skinny" for the first time in my life, EVERYTHING would be perfect!  The man would come, the money would come, the status would come- I would be the starlet; I would be beautiful. All would fall in place because every failure, every disappointment, every loss, every tear I had always blamed on my weight. That gut had taken a lot of blame over the years!  

So, here I was; skinny for literally the first time in my life.  I shopped in the "normal people" section of the stores for the first time. I could wear jewelry without thinking if it would fit my neck or wrist. I had to move the seat up in the car for the first time.  Chairs had more room.  My clothes took up less room in suitcases and in the closet. People out and about treated me differently.  People at work treated me differently. People who had not seen me in a while didn't recognize me. I was addicted.  I was addicted to the attention and the "new life".  SO, I lost more weight.  I got sick. I was bitter and hateful to my family.  I was eating 300 calories a day, exercising like a fool and I got sicker.  And I kept doing it because the praise kept coming in from everywhere.  Then I started throwing up. I would eat any fat, up it came and not of my own free will. My hair fell out.  I spent more and more time in bed with my stomach cramped up; but in my mind, that was awesome- a day without eating! I was 5'9 and 128 pounds- I had a doctor tell me I was underweight! Underweight??? YES!!! I was on a sick cloud 9. I loathed and was repulsed by who I was before; I was relishing in being this skinny girl! Then the summer of 2001 came.  My mom got bad sick. My Boss quit his job very publicly.  My young coworker was found dead in our satellite office and for a few weeks, we lived as though someone was targeting us and may come after us next. Seriously, we lived as though we may be "murdered" until the police finished their investigation and all the autopsy reports came back (she died of natural causes, but for that period we had no idea.)  I had to give a witness report to the police after her funeral, for crying out loud. My name was in the local papers in connection to this story because I was the last person known to speak to her- which carried it's own agonizing guilt for months. I was mentioned in conspiracy blog spots across the country and probably still am to this day. I went on through special elections, new job, lost friendships, 9/11 terrorist attacks- it was just too much.  And I ate.  I ate back to 263 pounds in my mid 30's. I was disgusted with myself.  I had to throw all the skinny clothes away, go back to the "wide" section to shop, and move the car seat back again. A few years later, I would drop a ton of weight again and go through this same, sick process.  And the weight came back again. So, here I am today- fat as ever.  Except this time my sugar levels are up, my cholesterol is not ideal, my body hurts. Getting older sucks, by the way.      

Then something happened a few weeks ago.  My director is a beautiful social butterfly.  Both her mirrors reflect beauty!  She was involved in a program that was bringing "The Biggest Loser" to speak to the area to promote women's health issues for a local hospital.  Part of the program was to include a fashion show. She asked me to participate- I flat out said no.  I told her this was about health and weight loss, I would be a fool up there- the "and here is our cautionary tale" token fat girl.  She didn't take that kindly but said "FINE!"- those who know her, know that "fine" is not something you want to hear.  Ever! The next few days, something in the back of my mind kept saying- do it.  Do it as this is a bucket list thing. Do it to see what that moment feels like.  Do it for for your director.  Do it because your mama would have wanted you to and would be so proud.  Do it to make your sister know you are Ok down here alone. Do it because it would be funny stuff for Facebook. Do it for the fat girls. Do it for that scared little fat girl inside of you who grew up thinking she was so very ugly. Do it because you can. Do it because God is prompting you. Do it.  I came back from my lunch break one day and told my director I would rep for the fat girls, but she better check with Coldwater Creek to see if they had wide clothes.  And I did it.  And I loved it.  I was not a scared, fat, timid girl yesterday or a sick young woman not knowing she she is, standing in confusion.  I was a 40 year old woman who stands at this point in her life strong. Confident in her abilities and who she is. Proud of living through this life and all it has thrown at me. Blessed beyond measure. Standing on the Rock of my salvation and the Blessings of a mighty God who never left my side. He never missed a single tear that fell; He heard every ugly thing I said about the child He created yet always saw the beauty in His creation.  He kept whispering, "Child, I have a plan. The mountain top will show what I have in store for you, but we are going to get though this valley first. Trust Me, My beautiful baby girl."  So, I did what I never thought I would and took advantage of an opportunity that may prove to be another turning point in my life. I rocked it like the rock star I am. 

The "Biggest Loser" speaker, Michelle Aguilar, told us all about her story.  As you can imagine, it goes way deeper than just getting yelled at by Jillian Michaels for a reality TV show. Michelle had her demons, too. She had such hurt and pain. She hid behind a smile for years and was "fine."  Listening to her speak, I stood in the back of the auditorium and cried. I cried for the hurt, the pain, the loss, the fear, the isolation, the insecurity, the shame that is the life of a fat girl.  I thought about who I was when I was skinny.  I thought about who I am now.  Then Michelle shared something so prophetic- her one big lesson from Jillian.  Jillian told Michelle when it was all done and she won the show to not look at her before picture and hate the fat girl she sees captured there.  Don't look at her with shame or disgust.  To look at the before picture and see a woman who summoned the courage, strength and power to break through the fear do something about it. She needed to look at that girl and see that she gave the girl standing here now the gift that is this new life.

So, here I am.  Standing and living in my "before" picture.  Its time. Time to do it right.  Time to do it slow and healthy.  Time for this fat woman to start the roots to giving a new life to her older self.  And I will love this woman I am now.  I will not hate her.  I will not be disgusted by her.  I will thank her.  I will see her as God's beautiful child. I will love both my mirrors equally.  

I will be the rock star He has created me to be!    

A heart at peace gives life to the body...

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30

The older I get, the more valuable this lesson is. Having peace of mind, peace of heart- a simple quality of life; it's priceless. We all want to be the Joneses. But I think we find the flashy, glitzy, trendy, social status, temporal things just don't hold any permanence. They are simply vapors of happiness - truly a glittery mist of a rhinestone world. Now, I'm not saying for one minute I haven't been beyond blessed to have those moments and they are amazing. I feel they are God Given in some respects- standing in the middle of Tiffany's in New York City, buying two Tiffany purses on a whim is one of my most amazing memories, being a child who grew up in well hidden, secret poverty. Standing on Waikiki Beach watching the sunset with my mother, seeing her dream come true not knowing it would be a foretelling of her unforeseen passing just a few weeks later- priceless. Seeing the starlit sky from a cruise ship and countless shooting stars; I saw the Hand of God that night. They do have value- they just cant be the core of our peace and happiness. They are the "nick-nack" moments that can reiterate the amazing blessings He gives; if seen in that light, they truly are priceless. They just cant be that core because they can't always be there and be happening in our lives.

I think as we age, the Spirit draws us back to our roots, back to our place in life, back to His simple plan: To serve Him and find a trusting peace in His plan, whatever that may be for each of us. At least, that's what He has brought to me the past few years. My life's journey has been hard, as most of ours has been. It has been filled from the beginning with pain, poverty, sickness, fear, anger, embarrassment, heartache, loss, envy, hatred, resentment, broken dreams; losses I never thought I could bear. But, He has seen me through every step. He has even pulled my angry adult selfish self when I went kicking and screaming, cussing and digging my heels in like the spoiled, bitter brat I had become. That was my path; I don't know the Jones' path, but I guarantee it wasn't all flowers and rainbows either. They just gussy theirs up better, I guess.  All I know is that rhinestones are made of plastic and made by man. Diamonds are formed from pressure and heat and made by God. As I age, I want to be His diamond, not the world's rhinestone.

So. A steady job giving me enough money to meet my bills and buy a few squeaky toys for a sweet puppy, a reliable car to go see my precious sister and brother-in-law on a regular basis, wonderful friends who love me, a safe place to lay my head at night- that's a mighty blessed life. A peaceful life. A life worth having and living. I WILL rejoice in it and enjoy a blessed peace.

So my day yesterday, for example: A day with a cool breeze, two awesome SEC wins, a chance to see dear friends and honestly wish a beautiful young bride well as she plans her marriage to a Godly man; that, my friends, is an amazing day. Its a diamond of a day.
And throw a mess of boiled peanuts into the mix? How can you NOT have a heart at peace with life?? 

Get a Blog...

So, it took me a bloomin' HOUR to figure it out, but I got one!  Now maybe my FaceBook posts will be that and not my commentary. *And my FB friends breath a sigh of relief and look forward to me just posting about tomato sammichs and what my puppy is doing. That is, if they haven't "hidden" me so far.

So, I guess I shall begin with who am I?  Assuming anyone is going to read this!  LOL. I think.

I am a 40 year old self described "Southern Belle" living in Pensacola, Florida.  Born and raised here. And yes, I AM a Belle!  Contrary to popular opinion, Florida is in the South.  Funny, you have to go further north to get deeper south these days. But I am in the Panhandle, much closer to Alabama than to Mickey. I love Jesus, my family (what's left of it) and my country (what's left of it too.) I have a little terrorist of a Bichon puppy named Alabama Moon Pie (Bama for short), I have the best friends in the world and I am single with no kids, but "Ok with it." I love the Crimson Tide, the SEC, the Braves, the 2nd amendment, and I'm fluffy (MUCH kinder word than overweight, in my humble opinion.)

Yes, one of THOSE girls- one who is continuously yacking about her dog like its a child. One who got interested in football back in the day because she thought it would help her land a man. (For crying out loud, I bought a Seminole shirt back in college to get a fella's attention. He has yet to notice me with my awesome 'Noles shirt and sweatpants. Though he did end up interning in my office later in life. I found a booger on his desk. Dodged that bullet-Funny how God brings things full circle! But I digress...) Talks firearms because that's what men like to hear, she thought. The overweight girl who thought she checked all the right boxes to prepare to be a good Southern wife and mother-one day. Well, that pony never showed up and I ended up actually loving these things.  And I still feel remorse about that 'Noles shirt. Felt icky to write that. ROLL TIDE!

The girl who has spent entirely too much of her life lamenting about "not having a man."  Oh, if only-woe is me!  Spent too much time thinking if she lost weight, Prince Charming would ride on up in his souped up pick-up truck. Or Range Rover; I'm not choosy. Well, I'll be blessed if I didn't loose 120 pounds and the sucker never did show! The girl who people secretly say in the back of their mind or behind closed doors to others, "She's so pretty- if she would just loose some weight, she would be married in no time!"

The girl who's heart quietly breaks at wedding and baby showers, knowing there is a mighty good chance that will never be her in the chair surrounded by gifts, laughter, nervousness and excitement.

The girl who makes people laugh. The "funny one" in the group.

Yes, we are a dime a dozen, we fluffy single old maids.  We are everywhere.  We are bitter and hiding in cubicles or in our offices.  We are the ones in the middle of the dance floor wearing something that would make our mama's blush just to fit in and show we, too, are one of the girls. We are the ones who order two meals in a drive through and say a casual comment to make the cashier think we are bringing some for others. We are the ones that usually show up to work and are "dependable" since we have no families of our own, thereby keeping business going.  We are the ones that pray at night for him to find us and save us from ourselves.

Well, I'm done with being THAT kind of fluffy single old maid.  I have spent the last few years working through all my garbage and ending a journey that has been hard.  I HONESTLY have a peace in my life, I know God has a plan, I value my life and those in it.  My life is funny.  It is blessed.  It has been hard; but better days ahead.  No, I don't intend to blog about being a "single girl", though I am sure that will come up. I don't plan to focus on weight issues, either so this won't be a fatty blog.  I really dont know where this will lead, if anywhere.  But, here we go- the adventures of Belle and Bama!

Now, I gotta go peal that barking puppy outa the window.  Poor delivery man outside just weed himself. Bama thinks he is Cujo.  Little 16 pound terrorist....