I am fat. And someone said it today. Wait- scratch that; I am the princess and daughter of the One True King- I am cool! To be more accurate, my body is fat. IT IS! I, of all people, should know that!! After all, I bathe it, dress it, haul it and feed it every day. I have been fat since I was in kindergarten. I have been skinny twice in my life, both times the end result of anorexia/bulimia. I don't do well with moderation- of most anything. I'm either all in or all out!
My problem is that I eat my feelings. And the bigger problem is that feelings apparently taste GOOD! Rejection, depression, sadness, loneliness, fear, mourning, loss- they are delicious. They are salty, sweet, savory, crunchy, smooth, tangy, warm, cool, crispy- they are yummy. And I have had more than my fair share! Father has a debilitating stroke the night after my Nana's funeral when I'm 13- Eat. Don't have the money to "have the things the other kids have" in high school, not to mention never being asked out or have a high school boyfriend- Eat. Father tells you are aren't smart enough to go to college even though you have a 3.6 GPA- Eat. Father moves away from our family my Senior year in high school leaving us all alone- Eat. Lonely and scared to be an "adult"- Eat. Mother gets horribly sick my first year of college and I am her sole caregiver- Eat. Father moves back to our home three months before he dies- Eat. Father dies and you have a family to care for at 22 with no life skills, experience or money- Eat. Get your first job and you are scared to death of everything- Eat. Boss quits mid-term and you have no idea how to care for your family if you cant find another job- Eat. Get new job and have a hard time fitting in plus you lose friends you loved- Eat. Sister moves to Georgia and you miss her- Eat. Mother dies and you are lost- Eat. Move to a new place for the first time in your life- Eat. Try to get back on your feet- Eat.
Then there is the ever constant mourning that pops up. The showers I will never have. The white dress I will never wear. The babies I will never hold. The precious "Mommy" that will never addressed toward me. The tiny clothes I will never buy, the boo-boo's I will never kiss, the first days of kindergarten, the birthday parties, the driving lessons, the graduations, the weddings my babies will never celebrate. And to know that those precious children I dreamed of were never even to exist. EAT.
Not that my life has been "bad" at all! I have had WAY more than my fair share of blessings. There aren't enough words or time to list all of those. My life is so much better in many ways than I could ever have imagined. Ever. In fact, I didn't have the ability to even dream this big when I was a kid. But my God sure did and I have been given so much!!! Its just that these other tasty things pop up ALL THE TIME and pepper my life. And I eat.
So here I am at almost 41 and I was called fat today. Again. I have some pretty amazing things happening in my career right now and someone said maybe this will "inspire" me to lose weight. Seriously??? THAT is what you take away from knowing me? Not my humor, love, compassion, joy, perspective, or anything else. Not my family, my friends, my puppy? Not my faith, my life experiences, my overcoming so much in this life and each step making me stronger along the way?? No- I am fat and need to drop weight. Maybe this will inspire me. WHAT??? If inspiration was the key, I would have been inspired 7 ways from Sunday every day! To be honest, I didn't think much of it at the time- in fact, I even laughed when I heard it! NOT NEWS to me!!!
Just on the way home. As I am exhausted, tired, worn out- empty and drained. It looks back at me from the rear-view mirror-I am fat. For a few brief moments, I saw that ever present ugly, scared, lonely, lost, ever- rejected fat girl. With ALL that I am (and I am some pretty awesome stuff over here!) that is what this person who made the comment saw when she looked at me. That is what she sees. How sad. Sad for her. Yes, I am fat and there's a good reason for it. And I am not ashamed of myself nor this life I have. I am proud of my life. I am proud of me. I am proud of what I have been through and come out smiling on the other side. My Jesus didn't call me to be pretty, thin or superficial. He called this girl to be strong. To love life no matter the circumstances. To find HIS beauty in all things, to see HIS Hand all around me, to take these life lessons and strive to support others as they may be struggling. He called me to be many things and the wonderful thing is, He doesn't see a fat girl when He looks at me. He sees His beautiful, smart, compassionate, loving, tender-hearted, funny, insightful, baby girl. And the awesome thing? Second time I looked in the rear-view mirror tonight, I saw her too. Yes, she may be fat but she is SOOOOO much more!!!! And I am blessed to say I saw her smiling back.
Now, what shall I have for dinner.... ;)
